The Web

Sometimes it is hard to grasp the now. The is.
I always, always, wanted to be a Mother - never a question.
It would be the brass ring.
But you never know the ins and outs, tastes and smells until you experience it for yourself.

I adore them.
My kids.
I cannot imagine my life without them...
Sometimes I wish that I could erase my life before them.
I am a better person because of them - as cheesy and corny as that sounds. In a way I am better to me as well. It is kind of a tightrope act trying to fulfill your own needs while putting the needs of EVERYONE else first. Sometimes you get lost in that role.
But, they have preserved me.
I don't take risks and I don't practice (too much) self destructive behavior. Unless you count neglect (because if everyone else is first then that would make me...last).
Sometimes it can be painful.
If I think about the before kids I can get tangled in the mess that was me, that I cannot ever change no matter how much I want to wish it away...

It is in those times that a snuggle, tickle, Ewok/Jabberwocky conversation with the baby can help center me. I hold him close and nestle my nose into his downy hair and breathe in slowly, telling myself:

You are here.

You are safe.

You are strong.

You are good.

It is Now.

This Is.